Something that I finally understand. 9/11

For those of you who know me, you know that I absolutely love watching documentaries. Well, I came across one tonight called, "9/11: The Falling Man". When 9/11 happened, I was only 11 years old. It was a normal day in Northeastern Ohio. My brother and I went to school, my mom went to work and I don't remember if my dad was working during the day or if he was on midnight shift. I remember that at school, we listened to the school announcements, said the Pledge of Allegiance, watched Channel One News, and started our school work for the day. Then, after a little while, another announcement came and the t.v's in all of the classrooms came on. It was the news and we all watched as tragedy struck America. I think that I was to young to really, emotionally, understand what had happened that day. I remember where I was, but I was to young to understand. I understood that what had happened that day was a devastating, terrible, tragedy. I didn't really understand why it happened, or who caused it. No one really wanted to explain to a 11 year old girl what the word "terrorism" meant. No one at school explained to us what happened, partly (I think) because the adults didn't know what was going on, and partly because they thought that we children couldn't handle it. Honestly, I don't know if I would have understood it if anyone did try. All I was told was that there were bad men who attacked us. When I watched this documentary, I got it.  For those of us who were to young when 9/11 happened, I highly recommend "9/11: The Falling Man." I've shared my story, would you like to share yours?

Now that we're all caught up...

Whew! Those blog posts seemed to take forever! I'm glad that I didn't go all the way back to when I was a baby! Well, maybe I can do that really fast...I was born in October...just kidding! But seriously, now that you know a bit about the major events of my life the fast few years, I would like to tell you what my real battle is. My emotional fight started when I was about 14 years old. It was like something in my brain just switched and I wasn't the happy kid who enjoyed the things in life anymore. Everything that I did, all of the theater productions, the dance competitions, the voice recitals, I just did it to keep the facade going for my parents and brothers. It's not that I didn't have fun when I was away from home, I did. I laughed and I had some good acquaintances. But, it seemed like I just started to get into trouble more. It was like, no matter what I did, I was always wrong. I was never right about anything. Any choice that I made was the wrong choice and I couldn't understand why I just couldn't do anything right anymore. Well, as this went on, my older brother left for college, my relationship with my mother was always under pressure. My younger brother kept annoying the heck out of me, and my dad seemed to forget everything that I would say to him. I really couldn't stand being at home. So, I did what I could to get out of the house. If that meant putting on a mask and doing things that got me away from home, then I did it. I enjoyed being away from home because I didn't have the constant arguing and bickering around me or directed at me. It was around that same age, maybe 15 or so, that I really got into the darker side of life. Now, I grew up as a Christian. I still am a Christian today, but the dark was calming and it seemed easy. I could be my self, in the dark. I looked to the internet and I found out that what I was feeling and what I had awakened into was a life of vampirism. Yes, my readers, vampirism is very real. I went through what is called an "Awakening." There is a very informative website that spells everything out pretty clearly here. I was really young when it happened to me and I had no idea what was going on until I found three others who would become my mentors for the next three years. Their names were Zachariah, Simon, and Gabriel and later on, Victoria joined us. She was new too. They taught me about what was going on with me. What this new thirst was, what it was that I was craving. I began to follow them and their ways and I all but abandoned God. I didn't realize it then, but it had gotten to the point that I was hiding my beliefs and my shrine. One day, I slipped up. My mother found out about what I had been doing and she sat me down and never asked why I was into what I was into, but instead, basically told me that if I didn't get right with God, that I was going to be heading down a road that was going to be near impossible to come back from. Well, I said goodbye to my mentors, they were sad to see me go, but I knew that my mom was right. But the vampire that lived within me was so hard to get rid of. I just had to ignore my thirst. My family moved when I was 16 to a place out in the woods. My friends still had a link with me, a psychic link. I could literally feel their presence still with me after I moved. When I was old enough to drive, I went back to the place where we used to meet. I didn't tell them that I had gone there, but their energy was still there. I told them that I needed to not feel their energy anymore. I needed them to leave me alone with God. I needed to make amends with my first and one true love, Jesus Christ. They respected my wishes and they left me. After that, I sunk into a very deep depression. I was cutting myself and I was suicidal. My family never did anything about it. So, I suffered through it alone. I talked with my older brother about it a little bit, but our conversations only suppressed the feelings for a little bit. Then I started hearing voices. At first, they would scream at me only at night. Only when I was just drifting off to sleep, but then, they started creeping up and laughing at me in the evenings. I thought that I was going insane. Again, I dealt with this alone. Until I met my boyfriend (now husband). I told Sean about my issues and he was there for me to talk to. It wasn't until I left for college that I met someone who got me the help that I needed. This person was a professor. In many ways, I owe this person a lot more than I can give. I went to a counselor and was diagnosed with severe anxiety and severe depression. I started taking medication for it and after a while, I started to feel better about myself and about my life. I was on medication for about a year and now, I don't need it. I still have days that I fight my depression, but this time, I have the tools that help me win that fight. I am back to being God's girl and I am so happy that I am!

Fall 2012/Spring 2013

The fall of 2012 was when I joined my senior research team at college. The paper I worked on for this project is listed in the tabs at the top as Music and Perception. If I can figure out a way, I will put the final PowerPoint presentation on here as well. My group and I got to present our research during Scholar Day (spring 2013) at school. Scholar Day is a day where everyone who has done research that the school's IRB finds noteworthy presents their findings through a 10 minute presentation. Unfortunately, I don't have any photos from that day, but I do have other photos from throughout the year.

This is what the view looks like from the edge of my back yard in the fall

Buddy with a bone!

My good boy!

King of his house!

3rd annual Festivus (yes I know there is tinsel up and there shouldn't have been) 

Buddy the snow puppy's first Christmas ham!
"Thank you Grandma Carmine!
~Love, your grand-puppy"

Sean and I went to Winter Jam this year! It was sooo cool!!!!!!!! 

   

Continuing on...

Sean and I spent our honey moon traveling across Ohio we went camping and stayed at Donna's Premier Lodging in Berlin, Ohio. It was a wonderful week! I spent the rest of the summer going to the library and keeping the house clean. That fall, I went back to school. I joined women's choir again and this time there was a new and permanent choir director that changed the way we learned and performed. Dr. Cook has become a valued member of the faculty in the music department at the University of Mount Union. The fall really wasn't that exciting, but the spring semester of 2012, I took a class called Learning and Conditioning. I got to learn about Opperant Conditioning and I got to go to a local pound and teach dogs basic commands. Because of this, the dogs that I taught were adopted more quickly. At the end of the year, I got to go to the Cleveland Zoo with my class! During spring break, Sean and I went to Florida for a cruise to the Bahamas. While we were there, we got to spend some time with his cousin and with my cousin. Overall, it was a good trip. I learned a lot on that trip. 

Fishing with Sean's cousin

                                      

The birds were very brave!

We met up with Keri and her family at the Hard Rock Cafe 

After swimming in the Bahamas

Sean Relaxing

After we got back from the Bahamas, we spent some time with my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin

Sean driving home from Florida

the zoo trip with my Learning and Conditioning class. My professor tried to kiss the snake!

During the summer, for our one year anniversary, Sean got me a puppy! I named him Buddy. :) 

He's eating my hair!

His cute little lippers!

His first squeaky toy! 

  

Wedding Day!

August 6, 2011 was the day that I married my best friend! I know that people say that they marry their best friends, but it is very true. My wedding day was wonderful, and so very HOT, and crazy. My bride's maids and I stayed at camp over night. The morning of my wedding I woke up early and took a walk. I thought about all that had happened the day before, I thought about how my future was going to be. I knew that it was not going to be easy, but I was more than ready for this next adventure in life. I was so impatient! I just wanted to do the wedding right there in my jeans and t-shirt! But, I had a full day ahead of me. Our wedding theme was "Tying the Knot" so throughout the photos you will see different kinds of knots. The reason for this particular theme was because Sean and I are both into rock climbing and high ropes courses and we were certified belayors at the time.  

That morning, my bride's maids, my mom, my aunt, and my sister-in-law  all went to get our hair done!

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All of us with our hair done!

My one meal all day (including the reception)

Keri, my maid of honor, helping me put on my garters.

Putting on the 30 pound dress!

my shoes with a hay penny

helping me put on the vale 

All ready to go!

Entrance to the wedding site

The Guest Book

Escort Cards (each card had the name of the person, the knot, and the name of the knot corresponded with the table they were assigned to)

the head table

All the guest tables looked like this with different knot names

our wedding rings and engagement ring with the wedding program and sparkler 

our wedding rings and engagement ring with the God's Knot

Me with my Bride's Maids

It was really hot that day! 

Sean with his groom's men (from left to right) Matt, Jake (bride's brother), Sean, Tommy (best man), and Dan

Sean and our ring barer (my godson)

Sean and his brother Aaron

The minister (bride's brother) Shane, and his wife, Beth

Me feeding my niece (she was my flower girl)

 Me and my Mamma before I walked up the isle

My Mom and my brother, Jake

Dad fixing my vale while we waited to go up the isle

Jake and Tommy unrolling the isle 

the ceremony spot

I wanted to run up the isle!

Tying the God's Knot (we did this in place of the unity candle)

Mr. and Mrs. Sean Carmine!

me and my hubby

Sean and I with my Great Grandmother (AKA: Nana)

Us with Sean's family

Us with my parents and my mother's father and his family

Us with my parents, brothers, sister-in-law, and neice

Me with my mom and her mother and step-father on my right and my father with his father, step mother, mother, and step father to my left.

Us with my Uncle Steve (dad's brother) and Aunt Nan (dad's sister) and my cousin, Erin

Us with my parents, my Uncle Gary (wedding planner) my Aunt Dena (co-wedding coordinator) and her husband, Dan 

Dessert Reception 

Maid of Honor's toast

Best Man's toast

Me with all of my friends from freshman year of college

cutting the cake

dancing with my new hubby

dancing with my Dad

Sean dancing with his Mom

Garter toss

Bouquet toss

Midnight Sparkler Send Off

 Sparkler Heart! :)